A Time Of Renewal

Autumn is my favourite season.  Beautiful colour changes, cozy sweaters, walks through fallen leaves, the lack of mosquitoes-these are all attributes I appreciate this time of year.  And while the earth itself begins to hibernate for a time, I find it to be a season of great renewal for my soul.  Every summer I say that I will stay connected with Jesus, I will pick up my Bible daily, I will pray often.  I always predict that I will have so much free time to do all these things and more.  Yet, every summer, I fail to do so.  This year was no different.  While I have not left Jesus' side, nor has He left mine, it seems like ages since we had a real conversation.  I equate it to an evening at the movies.  It's really nice to sit close to your date and feel comforted that you are not alone in the theatre, but it's not a very good relationship building activity.

Typically, as August nears it's end, I'm filled with anticipation for the renewal of that close-knit relationship with Christ.  This year has been different though, as the desire came a lot earlier than usual.  For the past few weeks the weather has been hot and sunny.  I feel I should be on the beach enjoying what little warmth we have left.  My mindset, however, is of cozy sweaters, a cup of hot chocolate and some God-centered literature.

The other night I was chatting with Jesus and telling Him how excited I was to feel connected with Him again.  Great anticipation overwhelmed me, thinking of how good it is when my heart is so closely linked with Christ's.  It was at that moment I received a picture.  I was brought back to a memory of my first boyfriend.  It was movie night at our school and we were sitting side by side in the gym.  I couldn't tell you what movies we watched that day, but I clearly remember the anticipation I felt the entire time, just waiting for him to hold my hand.  Finally, as we reached the last ten minutes of the second movie, he took hold, and I was overjoyed.  I smiled at the memory and knew right away what God was trying to say to me.  The anticipation of a good thing is sweet, but the action is even sweeter.  I knew He was suggesting that I should just grab His hand now instead of waiting.  After all, wouldn't it be better to enjoy the "hand holding" right away?  Why wait?

So, on that note, here I go...

It may be a little premature to bundle up in my wool sweaters, but I'm going for a walk.  I'm leaving the movie theatre, grabbing hold of Jesus' hand and we're going to spend time sharing our hearts with each other.  I don't have an inkling of what our time together will look like yet, I will let Him be the guide, but I know it will be so sweet and worth the time I give Him.  I want to encourage you to do the same.  Don't just wait for that moment when it all seems to fall into place, when the time finally seems just right.  Wouldn't it be better to be there now?

Lost...and found!

For about two months I had been feeling worn out and just plain busy. While it's considered normal for most people (including myself), this time it was somehow different - but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. I wasn't unhappy or depressed, however, I did have a lack of desire to pray or do anything extra for anyone else. However, God (knowing me so intimately) knew exactly what was going on in my heart. AND He was gracious enough to name it for me.

The dream that lead to this revelation began with me working in a hair salon. I was doing some one’s colour. I washed it out but for some reason felt I needed to leave the shampoo on for a while. I thought I would take advantage of the time I had while I waited. I went to check up on my children who were in a daycare nearby. I ended up on a bit of a scenic route – walking past various stores, inside and outside.

The middle part of this dream is a little fuzzy, but at some point I picked up my youngest child. I headed back to work with him asleep in the baby carrier. I walked out the gate of a subway station, through one of those one way turn style gates. When I got outside, the fresh air felt great as did the sunshine. It was a beautiful day. A man passing by made a joyful, God related comment to me. I said, “yeah, yay Jesus," while circling my finger halfway in the air – as if to really say, “I don’t care”. The man looked at me, shocked.


Due to my lack of energy and enthusiasm, I almost skipped praying about this dream entirely. However, I chose to be faithful to my promise of approaching all my dreams as possible messages from God. So, I begrudgingly began to talk with Him about it. Right away I heard a message loud and clear. The last part of the dream really spoke to me. I believe what God was trying to show me was that I had lost my passion for Jesus. This is not to be mistaken with a loss of love for Christ - but the great joy and emotional high that comes from loving Him.

The dreamed paralleled well with real life. While I went through the motion of praising God, it was not with joy, excitement or enthusiasm. I remember reacting to the man's look of shock very defensively. I thought, “what? I have a sleeping baby – it’s not like I can jump around!” Praying about that moment, God immediately revealed how faulty my thinking was. I may not have been able to jump in circles, yell and shout, but I could certainly speak with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

I don't feel that God was showing me this to rebuke or reprimand me in anyway. That would not be in line with His loving and wooing nature. I believe He was graciously naming what I had been feeling, which made it more tangible to deal with. Though I did not stress about it, I began to wonder how I would find that passion again. Was there something I could do to get back on the road where I longed to be? I chose to look forward, instead of searching for the why and how of the circumstance. This is a lesson I learned long ago. While I know there is much value in knowing the path to not take, I have found myself stuck on that road before, trying to trace my steps backwards. So, I set my eyes on the goal and attempted to move toward it.

During these passionless months, I did not stop thinking about Christ, looking to Him or hearing from Him. I am grateful for that. One of the things I felt God was prompting me to do was write a letter to someone. Once again, due to the lack of passion, I put it off, again and again. Then one Sunday God grabbed my attention with a song, "The Wonderful Cross". In particular, these words:

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live

I realized that I needed to die to myself once again. Due to the state my heart had found itself in, I was focusing more on me than on Christ. I chose at that moment to shift my gaze back to Jesus - not just half way. That night I sat down, wrote that letter and sent it.

By the evening of the next day, I realized that I was feeling different. I didn't want to jump to any conclusions, but I found myself boldly speaking about God to a friend (which truly surprised me) and my desire for prayer had returned. I felt like staying up all night just to talk with God - about anything. After a week, I felt it was safe to declare that my passion had returned! What joy!

While I can speculate, I still do not know the exact reason for the loss of passion in my life. Perhaps God needed me to write that letter and I had to walk this path to get there. Or maybe the reason was as simple as allowing my gaze slip away from Christ. There is more to the dream that I have not been able to successfully pray through as of yet. I am, however, grateful and delighted that I am once again experiencing that joyous high that comes from loving Christ. I am also thankful that God still spoke to me throughout this small trial. It is so comforting to know that He is there, guiding and speaking to me even when I don't feel like listening. He doesn't give up on me but remains faithful and constant. Thanks God!

Hope, Confidence and Excitement

Last week I had a wonderful dream. However, before I prayed about the meaning, it didn't seem so wonderful! Though it was a short vision, it spoke much to me.

The main character in this dream was James. He was telling me about his marriage and how it wasn't going well. He and his wife were even talking about divorce. I was shocked. I hadn't seen it coming at all. As he continued to talk, it was revealed to me that he was actually possessed by a demon. As quickly as the discovery was made, I began to call out the demon in Jesus' name. It didn't take long before I saw this demon leave James, but it did take conviction and confidence on my part. There was a visible change in his face and I knew that the problem had been solved.

When I woke from this dream I was taken aback. I thought about it all day but was having a hard time understanding the message. James is some one I care for very much. He also does not yet consider Jesus a friend. I questioned what I was suppose to do with this dream. Was I suppose to ask James about his marriage? It didn't seem to be under any unusual stress to me. Should I tell him I had a dream? If I mentioned God in any way, I wanted to be on the right track, lest I cause him to stumble further away from the love of our saviour. I mulled and prayed over this dream for days.

I believe it was on day four I received some clarification in which I felt confident. I felt God saying that the picture of marriage was not that of "man and wife", but of "man and Jesus". Then when I asked about the demon, He said that it was a representation of Satan. It was (and is) James' heavenly marriage that is in trouble, not his earthly one. Satan has some how deceived him, thus the demon possession.

I was delighted to finally have some light shed on this puzzling dream, but there was more to be revealed. Why had God sent me this message? What was I to do with it? I had to ask the question, "so what"? I believe that God is asking me to pray for James. Now, I have often prayed for him, but I have also often questioned what good it will do. I must admit that my faith is somewhat lacking in this circumstance. How can my prayers help some one who has trouble seeing with the eyes of his heart? Well, the more I thought about this dream, the more awestruck I was. God asked me to pray for James. That means that He loves this man, is seeking this man, is desiring for this man to love Him back. God asked me to join him in wooing James to Himself. As a result, God also spoke hope into my heart for this man. So, I have committed to praying for James, believing that it is in fact God's plan for my prayers to be successful. However, God has also shown me something else. That He wants me to pray with the confidence and conviction I had when I cast out the demon in that dream.

In the past, when I prayed for James, a bit of hopelessness always seemed to sneak into my heart. Since the revelation of this dream the attitude of my prayers have changed. Now when I pray for this man who is dear to me, I feel great hope and excitement. I think of the day that he learns how much Jesus loves him and how wonderful it will be. I don't know when that day will come, but I feel confident it will happen. God can make it happen, and it seems pretty obvious to me that He wants it to happen.

Prayers of Obedience and Boldness

Wow. Life sure has been busy. Between a rough pregnancy and now a new baby, not only have I had little time to update my blog, but the lack of sleep doesn't make for dream filled nights! However, God has spoken in other ways, and I do have some catching up I can do from many months ago. I'll start with this...

My dream ironically begins with me waking up. I think right away about calling my friend D. It is really early in the morning but I decide to try anyway. My call wakes her up, but she still chooses to talk. I find out that she is feeling really ill, yet is not sure why. She can't even seem to get out of bed. D falls asleep while she is trying to carry on our conversation. I feel strongly prompted to pray for her while we are still connected on the phone - even if she is unaware. My prayers with God remain thoughts, silent to the rest of the world. My next and immediate prompting is to pray aloud. Obediently, I begin with a whisper and increasingly get louder until I reach a normal talking voice. D wakes up. The next thing I know, I am with her, sitting on the edge of her bed. We are talking about how she feels. I hear my voice some what like an echo, as if I'm far away. It says, "the pain you are feeling is emotional, deal with the emotions and the pain will go away." D lays there, just staring at me, looking curious. I realize that she is waiting for me to speak. She is aware that something strange is going on with me. I ask her, "did you hear that?" She answers me rather confused, "no." That's when I realize, rather shocked and amazed, that I just heard a message from God and I share it with her.

When I awoke from this dream, my initial reaction was to think that perhaps my friend needed prayer. That there was (or would be) something going on in her life. So, I called her to find out. Although the dream definitely highlighted D, there didn't seem to be much connection between the vision and her circumstances. I took some time in prayer to see if God could help me unfold the message. He revealed to me the now obvious conclusion - that this dream had nothing to do with my friend. It had everything to do with asking me to step up and be bold, once again! I feel He was saying that while I frequently hear His voice well, I need to speak out with bravery and faith in prayer. That if I can accomplish this, so much more will be revealed. When I prayed in my head, nothing happened. When I faithfully stepped out and began praying louder, it brought me closer to my friend. It was then that I heard God speaking clearly and audibly. It was then that He revealed things unknown to us. It was then that He gave us guidance. It was as if God was telling me, be bold, speak out, have faith, trust and be obedient. If I had not been obedient and trusting in the first place to His prompting to call D, and then to pray aloud, we would have never heard what He had to share with us.

On another note, I like how God's voice was like my own. I like how, even though I did not know it was Him at first, it was so obvious and audible. I like how He rewarded me for my obedience. It tells me that He will not ask us to do something without coming through on His end. It also tells me that he cares. I questioned why He didn't just give me answers in the first place. I'm certain that if He had, without leading me to ask questions, I would have never known it was Him speaking.

I have been challenged to speak my prayers boldly and aloud, and to be obedient to how God is calling me to pray. I challenge you to do the same. Yes, God can hear your thoughts, and it is still a good way to pray. I am not suggesting that God will not listen to your silent prayers. I am certain he hears every cry of our heart, however spoken. However, there is something so much more faith building and empowering when we speak out in our prayers. Listen for God's prompting. Allow Him to guide what and how your pray. If he guides you in a certain direction, you can trust that He will reveal Himself and His love for you.

A Journey of Rewarding Obedience

I am so excited to finally have some time and energy to sit down and write again! I have spent much of the past 10 weeks extremely tired as I am pregnant. While I have a lot of catch up to do, this recent God experience was so wonderful, I just have to share it right away!

My week long journey began last Sunday. While I have been longing to re-connect with Jesus again and serve Him better, I knew that He was patiently waiting for me to come out of a season of fatigue and nausea. During the morning's sermon, however, my heart was touched to pray for this even more. Well, the next thing I know, right after our service, I am approached by my friend. She tells me she is going to sound rather kooky, but she is quite sure that God prompted her to give me what she is holding in an envelope (which is obviously money). Accepting this is a gift from God, with curiosity I thank her for her obedience and take it. I think to myself, "as soon as I see how much money is in the envelope, I will know why God has given this to me." As I have witnessed, God is so good at providing when we need it, not in advance but at the precise moment. This in mind, I opened the envelope to find $20. Not to be ungrateful, but I think, "I don't need $20 dollars!" I mean, who can't use an extra $20? However, it's not a mortgage payment, or the amount I would need to attend the ladies retreat, or anything else that I can think of. Why would God give me $20? So, after some conversation with Him, I come to the conclusion that the money is not for me. Perhaps I am going to be in a position to touch some one's life that my friend would not...and it must be before next Sunday, or she could have given it to me then (that second part was likely my logic more than God's). So, I place the money in a special envelope and into my wallet, pray that I will hear God's prompting well and carry it around with me all week. Everywhere I went I looked around and thought, "is that the person? is it that homeless man? is it that mother? will I see them today?" Friday came along and I still had the envelope. I wondered if I had missed my opportunity to bless some one or if my chance was still around the corner...and what God was up to! I told Him that He would eventually have to tell me what to do with this money, as I was not going to spend it on myself. Well, Saturday rolled around. My friend took my children with her for the day, which turned into the evening. Due to circumstances that just "happened so," I ended up going to run a few errands in the evening before going to pick up my children. I pulled up to the video store to return my movie. The parking spot I was originally going to take wasn't really accessible due to some people milling around, so I chose another....which just "happened" to be right in front of a very drunk man sitting on the sidewalk. I thought, "oh God, that's not they guy, is it?" As I opened the door to get out, I prepared myself to be open to a yes. However, as I stepped onto the sidewalk the man began to yell out some lovely profanities. While they were not directed at myself, or anyone for that matter, they were enough to make me hurry into the store. I prayed and said to God, "if that is the man you would like me to give this money to, you are going to have to open a door for me. I can try to love the unlovable, but I don't know how to approach the unapproachable." Wouldn't you know it, as I neared the vehicle again he greeted me kindly and asked if I had forty cents to spare. I chose to look through my wallet for some change. In all honesty, it wasn't to be kind, but so that I could have some time to assess the situation and leave God some time to speak to me. I approached the man and handed him what change I could find in my wallet. I noticed that not only was he so drunk that the whites of his eyes had been completely replace by red, but he had an unopened mickey of alcohol next to him. I began to wrestle with God again. I said, "there is no way this could be the man. I mean, if I give him this money he is just going to go buy himself more alcohol. That can't possibly be right!" So, after a little "small talk" I got into the vehicle. After another moment of prayer I was fairly certain this was, in fact, the man that was to receive this blessing. So, out I got again, armed with the envelope. I bent down and said, "this may sound odd to you, but last Sunday God gave this to me and I've been waiting for Him to tell me what I should do with it. I am pretty sure He wants you to have it." He lifts his head up, rolls his eyes and says, F*** God! I said, "would you like the money, sir?" He asked me, what is it? I answered, "it's $20." He tried to open it, but got frustrated and handed it back to me and so I opened it and passed him the bill. He held it in his hand and questioned if I was sure I wanted to give him this money. I responded with, "it's not my money, it's God's. He wants you to have it." I pleaded with him to buy some food with it, though I'd be surprised if any of it was spent on that purpose. As I stood up to leave, I said, "God bless you." After all the choice words I had already heard from him, and his original comment on God's blessing, I was surprised to hear him say, "God bless you too." Wow. That in itself spoke volumes to me of how powerful God's love can be!

What a gift I received from God this week. From a personal point of view, when I was given that $20 my eyes were opened to seek Him everywhere I went. I was in constant conversation with Him, looking for Him at all times, waiting for Him to guide me, waiting for Him to show me how to love His children. Now, that is a relationship I desire at all times! The second gift I received was to see God at work. I saw a man go from speaking ill of God to asking Him to bless me! That man received not only a blessing from God, and a sign that maybe there is a creator who loves him, but he also received a friend who prayed for him over and over. I don't know why God chose that man, or me, or what will come of the situation, but I know that it is in God's hands now. While it seemed strange to me to give a drunk man more money (and in hind sight I wondered if I should offer to buy him food instead - but, hey, I'm still new at this), God knows what He is doing. Even if that man did buy more alcohol, it doesn't mean he wasn't blessed. I know I am not responsible for the choices that man makes, but I am responsible for my obedience and faithfulness to God.

In this experience, I am also reminded that it is not up to me to judge people. I knew that, I know that, but it's amazing how judgment can sneak up on you. Had I not been waiting to bless some one with God's gift, I would have never given money to a drunk man. I mean, who wants to see "their money" spent on something like that. In my eyes, that man may not have deserved a gift - he'd probably be ungrateful, or even forget the whole thing. Through the eyes of Jesus, however, I was able to see the situation differently. Maybe he didn't deserve a blessing (do any of us?), but he needed one - and God loves us that much! I'm not saying that we need to give money to everyone who asks us, but that we should always be seeking God's guidance and not let our own preconceptions get in the way.

On a lighter note, I once again got a glimpse of God's great sense of humour. I have to tell you, money is very rarely an idol for me. I'd much rather go back to the ways of bartering and just helping each other out. However, for one week, money actually became a symbol of God for me! I took Him with me wherever I went and was just waiting to share Him with some one. I find that ironically funny. The second thing that made me laugh was that after the whole event with the drunk man on the sidewalk, I got back into the vehicle. I never listen to the country stations but my friend had it on in her car, and I hate to play with people's settings. After I finished praying for that man, I actually stopped to listen to the lyrics of the song that was playing: "God is great, beer is good, people are strange." That kept me giggling for the rest of the drive.

I would like to challenge you, as I challenge myself. $20 is all it took for me to step out in faith and keep my heart focused on where God wants me to walk. What would it take for you to be able to do that on a consistent basis? I began thinking about how great this was and how I would love to always have that open line between God and myself. To always be ready to follow the example of Jesus. I doubt that He will prompt some one to give me $20 every week, and so I know that I need to seek Him instead. My challenge to you is this: Take a moment in prayer. Ask God if there is some one who needs to feel His love through you. Maybe he will suggest you carry around an envelope of money to give to some one in need a blessing. Maybe He will suggest you bring a blanket with you one day, or a carton of milk, or even a kind word. Perhaps you don't need a physical reminder to keep your heart open to His voice. In life we often get so wrapped up in what we need to accomplish that we put the rest of the world aside. If we arm ourselves so that we are prepared to be obedient, before we even leave the house, then it will be easier to hear His voice when He does speak to us.

Where My Eyes Gaze, My Heart Will Follow

God is so amazing. I have been on a bit of a journey over the past few weeks and He has revealed much to me. I don't know exactly how it began, but at one point I noticed that I was feeling disconnected from God. While I was still hearing from Him, still worshiping Him, still reading my Bible, I just wasn't feeling that active joy I've had in Him for the past few years. I still loved and wanted to serve Him, but did not know exactly how to go about doing that. Nothing I tried seemed to "work." It was as if I had jumped off of the boat without knowing it and was missing the ride. I've been through valleys with God before but this was different. I kept trying various things to get the resulting connection I desired. I fervently prayed to hear Him more clearly, see Him more obviously, feel Him more closely. I hungered, I longed, I sulked for that joy I seemed to have lost. Never did I turn my eyes from God, not once...well, not really.

So, in the midst of all this spiritual turmoil I was feeling, God gave me this dream:

I was in a room with a bunch of people. It felt like high school. There were small groups chatting with each other. I was talking to a male friend of mine and, as my interest in him was romantic, I invited him over for a visit later. After our conversation I sensed that his feelings did not mirror my own and so I decided to move on. I quickly engaged in conversation with another guy and found myself flirting with him. I asked him for some advice. I, apparently, had not attended classes all semester and was wondering if I should even bother come exam time. He told me that I should just do what is easy, what makes me feel good. His advice made me feel better and the romance continued to grow. My previous interest appeared again, but in the form of a girl. She had made me a very intricate and beautiful book-like card explaining her feelings for me. I glanced through it quick enough to register the idea that she was sad, felt rejected and was indeed very interested in me. My heart was saddened slightly but I put up a wall of defense right away. I reasoned that it was not my fault, that she didn't reciprocate my feelings, and now I had moved on. I went back to my new, and exciting romance. We continued to flirt, thinking we were well hidden, but I looked up to see many eyes staring at us with disapproval. At first I was concerned, but very quickly a "who cares" attitude took over. I chose to leave with this guy only to pass my previous interest once again, who had taken on yet another form - this time of another male friend. He was very upset as he watched me leave with this new guy, but I no longer cared. I was happy.

At first this dream made little sense to me until I wrote it down, all the while listening for the Spirit to lead me in it's interpretation. The initial thing I saw was that my first romance was Jesus. The manifestation of Him in three different forms reminded me of the trinity, but also that He can (and does) appear to us in many different forms, ones that we may not expect. I saw myself straying from my "first romance" (my first Love) because I did not get the reciprocation I had expected. Instead I searched elsewhere and found a sinful romance. After all, what kind of godly person would give advice such as that-to do what is easy and makes me feel good. I became aware that God was showing me the far too easy downward spiral that can happen when we let sin into our lives, or make bad choices. First I turned from God, who was gently wooing me with great detail and care (as I saw from the intricate card He made). Then I took a step further and walked into the arms of that sinful romance. Initially there was guilt associated with it, but in the end I stopped caring about anything but myself.

While I was grateful for the message in this dream, it also troubled me. God revealed that just because I am not getting the reaction from loving Him which I desire, it doesn't mean that He isn't loving me. I actually knew this, which is why I kept pursuing Him, but it was a needed reminder. The thing that kept eating away at me was the degeneration of my love for God. I thought, this must be a warning of where I might end up, should I remain on this path. I couldn't see how that was possible, after all, I was still loving God...or was I?

After much analyzing and questioning, I chose to give up problem solving. I have a tendency to do that. I love to find the route of things, an explanation, so that I can solve the issue at hand. However, doing so kept me going in circles. I began praying that He would help me to focus on Him instead of on myself and how I was feeling, what I was missing, what I wanted. After all, He's already given me the greatest gift He could, who am I to ask for more? Not only that, but it is rather exhausting thinking about me all the time and I would much rather it be about Him.

Well, once again, God answered. Praise the Lord! The other night I was thinking about Him and realized that some of that joy had returned. I was elated! Since then, even more has found it's way back into my heart. The journey, however, did not end there. I set out to share what I learned and, as He continues to do, God has blessed me through this blog and has revealed more revelations and clarity.

I said before that I never turned my eyes from God, but I had; that I was still loving Him, but I was not (not very well, at least). I was wrapped up in myself, focused on what I wanted from Him. I was waiting for God to reward me for loving Him, and in a specific way even. But true love does not expect anything in return. Just as in my dream, I had looked to God just quickly enough to see His love for me. I now see that indeed the dream was entirely about me and not just a warning. Not loving Him without expectation, being caught up in what I yearned for Him to give me-that was the sinful romance. God was reminding me of who He is - the only one worthy of our praise and worship, the creator of all things, the beginning and the end, the Holy One, the One who is love. Who am I to question how He reveals Himself to me? Who am I to try and paint Him into a corner or put Him into that proverbial box? Like Job, I need to remember to focus on God at all times. Fortunately, I didn't need to go through the same experience to learn that! In hindsight I see that what I masqueraded as focus on God was actually focus on myself. Even though my thoughts were about Him, they were rooted in what He can do for me.

During this journey I had also received another message, more than once. In wanting to just love God and focus on Him, I chose to ask how I could do that-since everything I was trying did not seem to be working. I heard Him say "sing." I didn't get it until today. I was listening to a song that spoke of singing all the time; singing praises to our creator during the good times and the bad. In other words, in case it hasn't hit home yet, focus on God at all times. Worship Him at all times.

While I could feel something was "off" for weeks, I think this was so hard to pin point because originally it came from a place of goodness. It started out with a desire for more God, more of those highs we all feel when He's touched us so personally. Somehow the desire became selfish and all about me. It became a need to repeat what I had felt before, and on a larger scale, but I forgot to put God before the desire. Yes, He will give us the desires of our hearts, but our hearts need to be aligned with His first.

In my dream, our loving and caring Father was watching me and mourning, despite the fact that I walked out the door on the arm of my sin. Even as I struggled in my awake hours, I know that He continued to care, that he felt saddened as He kept constant watch over me. Even during this temporary relapse He was there, patiently waiting and gently wooing me back. He truly is a romantic.

Lord, I ask for Your forgiveness. Though I knew in my head that you are the great I Am, my heart lost sight of that for a while. I am sorry for that. Thank You for calling me and shifting my focus back to you. Since my eyes began gazing into Yours again, I have again found the joy that loving You brings. Joy that helps me to enjoy the good times and find pleasure during the harder times. May this lesson be a reminder to others that might struggle from time to time with this same issue. May they hear You calling their gaze back to You, back to that place of joy and love. Amen.

My Commission

This entry is a little different. About four months ago my Pastor (and friend) gave a sermon and asked, "What is your commission from God?" He also handed out a guide to help us through the exercise of deciphering what that may be. It took a while for me to find time for this project, and a week or so to complete, but it was well worth it. Lately, I feel God has been prompting me to revisit that time in prayer andconversation . I also feel that He has given me a green light to share this here. Therefore, below you will find the results of what I felt God saying about my personal commission on this earth. I approached this question using listening prayer and wrote in the style of a journal, but also followed the guide we received. My questions and comments are in black and what I felt God was speaking is in yellow.

My Commission From God

#1 My commission from God has a goal which I can fix my attention on

Lord, I already know that my commission is to love others, but that is everyone’s purpose. How is this a specific commission for me – different from the command for us to love each other?

My task is not to merely love others but to give of myself. It is making myself available when others need to talk or just have a friend near by. It is about true relationships with a purpose – getting down to heart matters, opening my heart and soul to others so that they may see/hear Jesus through me, thus showing them His eyes. I am also called to carry them (not their burdens) in my heart.

Lord, You’ve given me so many talents. I am fairly good at a lot of things but only great at this one (loving). Actually, everything for me boils down to love. Why is that?

Without love my other gifts are useless. My other gifts are to be used to love others. I have been blessed with them so that I can love many different people in many different ways.

THAT is an awesome job! – to love people FOR You! How blessed am I?! Thank you for that honour!

I still don’t understand how this is a commission and not just a commandment. Again, how is this different?

Looking at other examples:

Paul loved – he preached the Truth

D’s friend loves – he gives of his time and energy to help

S loves – she teaches

I love….....I give of myself and my many talents.

I feel God saying that I am “washing the feet of their hearts.” …often the dirtiest part of one, but necessary to get where you are going. (That’s a HUGE responsibility and commission. It not longer seems so “ordinary.” It also feels over my head when I look at it that way….but that is where I need to lean on God, for I cannot do it on my own! This makes it feel like more of a mission now, rather than just a commandment.) I also hear the word “vessel” – a vessel for Jesus’ love?

Is it possible that my loving to love makes a difference? Instead of feeling like I should or have to, I actually feel like I NEED to? I receive joy from loving others, but the ultimate joy comes when I bring Jesus into the picture. Much of this joy is from seeing Jesus revealed, shining back at me as a result of the love I’ve given.

Yes, I am a vessel for Jesus to make his way into some one’s heart. (He is using me to open doors that need a human form to turn the knob – a more tangible form of God’s love?)

“LOVE AS I HAVE LOVED YOU”

I have a hard time accepting this is you speaking and not my ego. Possibly because I fear myself lacking humbleness. After all, what could be better than being a vessel for you? I certainly need your strength, guidance and wisdom to do this. It’s HUGE! When I look at it as a commission, not just a way to “be”, it becomes really scary to do without you – not to mention impossible!

#2 My content is…

I think, it may go back to the statement of “love as I have loved you.” I believe Jesus IS my content. His ways, example and words.

#3 My activities are…

To love, listen, encourage, help, pray, follow up, speak with a tongue guided by Jesus, make time for people, give of myself and my time, let others into my heart as well as listen to theirs (two way road – develop trust). I think that there will be a time I am called to prioritize the friends God puts in my path. That my work with some of them will be done for a time and I need to have the wisdom to see where I need to spend my time.

#4 My way of measuring progress will be…

Seeing Jesus’ eyes reflected back at me

Seeing hearts opening up and accepting Jesus’ love (thus seeing healing in some cases)

Feeling more of Jesus in me – that “addictive high”

Relationships will flourish and grow even deeper and more easily. Trust and love will grow.

#5 My way of being plugged into God is…

While I have many ways of plugging into God in general, I think that for this specific task it would be:

Spending time in prayer with God – listening for His prompting, guidance and wisdom

Waiting on Him to respond to questions and speak into my heart

Keeping ears/eyes open for opportunities

Constantly worshipping Him to maintain perspective – so I continue to realize how awesome this gift of loving his children, my brothers and sisters, is!

Conclusion:

God is calling me to LOVE OTHERS AS HE HAS LOVED ME by becoming a sacrifice for him. I am here to do his work and so my relationships should be ones of purpose. While I can expect to enjoy them, life here is not about me. There is a greater picture. I am called to open up my heart to others, creating a reciprocal trust, so that Jesus may shine His light through me. Of course, all of this has to be done with His guidance and wisdom for I cannot do it on my own.

This song has been on my heart a lot lately, but now even more of it makes sense to me, and speaks to me as a theme song, after going through this exercise.

Lord You Have My Heart (by Delerious)

Lord you have my heart (I gave him my heart in a vision I had, as only he can be trusted with it)

And I will search for yours (now I am looking to Him to hear where he would have me minister to others…seeking His heart for others)

Let me be to you

A sacrifice (I am to sacrifice myself to do His will, my entire self, not just a portion of me. Loving others requires I give myself to Him completely)

Lord you have my heart

And I will search for yours

Jesus take my hand

And lead me on (I need his hand to lead me, his guidance, for I cannot follow this road without Him. I do not have the capability to do these things, but He does and He can use me – which is so completely awesome to me!)

And I will praise you Lord (Without the praise, I lose my focus on the importance of the task at hand as well as where the glory is to go)

And I will sing of love come down (Love, what more can I say…I do sing of His love…constantly. It is the only thing that really matters)

And as you show your face (He will show his face, through others, through me, through our love)

We’ll see your glory here (He will be glorified in all of this, for we, as humans, cannot love like this on our own)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Why has God been asking me to revisit this commission? For one thing, I believe I have lost sight of it lately. I have been nudged a few times in the past couple months as I haven't been fulfilling my role. I have felt like I am going through a dry spell lately with the Lord, even though I read, pray and still deeply love Him. I have been craving so much more of Him. Looking back at my measurements for progress, however, it's evident to me that my commission has not been taken seriously over the past two months. I realize that we all go through quiet times where we still love God but don't have that "connection" with Him, and that's okay. That may be the case this time for me, but retropectively I think He is drawing me back to Him. Reviewing this has been a good reminder and refrehser for me to put effort into living out my commission - not JUST love God.

My hope in sharing this is that you too may take some time to walk with God through your own commission. Some of the dreams I have shared have made reference to each of us having "work" to do on this earth. While the most important command is to love God and then love each other, part of loving God is to follow what He has planned for us. I don't think many of us know what that plan is. While prior to seeking my commission, I was aware of acomplishing something God had set before me, this has opened my eyes to a brighter light. Now, instead of walking out the door in the morning and wondering what God has planned for me, I can ask specifically who He wants me to love.