Obedience and Sacrifice

 It has been so long since I have posted on my blog.  I've been wanting to write so many things, but like the multitudes, I struggle to balance my life and long for an extra 4 hours in each day.  Yesterday, however, I experienced the climax of a story which I felt I needed to share.  So, this may be the blog which gets me blogging again!

Recently, a friend of mine was devastated to find out she lost the diamond on her wedding ring.  She is blessed to have a good marriage and loves to be reminded of this fact when she looks at her ring.  After thinking of all the places she could have lost it that day, she was not very hopeful she would ever find it.  About a week later, I spoke with her briefly.  She was very upset about some financial burdens and the missing diamond was still troubling her heart.  How could she replace it without the financial means?  I felt a deep stirring in my own heart.  I just knew how much this meant to her.  

After she had left, I looked down at the ring on my own finger.  Not my wedding ring, but that of my grandmother.  My knuckles have been slowly getting larger over the years and it was getting next to impossible to take it off.  I often thought about having it re-sized or putting it away for a while.  As I looked at the ring I heard, "store up your treasures in heaven."  I thought, I wonder if one of the diamonds on my ring would fit hers.  At first, I thought, "sure!  Why not?!"  And then as I pondered it longer I began to think about "why not."  There were several reasons why I shouldn't, but most of them came from an earthly perspective, and out of fear of what some would say.  I decided to think and pray on it for a while.

A few days later I was having coffee with this friend.  The thought was just burning inside me and I knew I had to offer.  I thought, maybe it won't even fit and that will be my answer, but I need to offer.  At first, she said she couldn't take it.  After I explained that I felt God was asking me to do this she accepted,as one of the diamonds looked to be the correct size.  Unfortunately, I had sprained the exact finger it was on a couple weeks before and, as it was still swollen, was unable to get it off. I promised, as soon as I could ease it off, I would get it to her and she could find a jeweler to work some magic.  For days I tried to get it off but I wasn't having much luck.  The problem was that the longer it stayed on my finger, the longer I had to think of why I shouldn't give it up.  I knew it was just a diamond.  I could make something wonderful from the rest of the ring.  I already had a plan to save the last two diamonds and gold for my daughter.  Finally, I just had to get it off.  So, with a bit of oil, and quite a bit of pain, I managed to free my finger from the bondage.  I placed the ring on another finger so that I would still have it on me, as part of me was slightly fearful that it might go missing somehow.  

Another couple days passed and I thought, this is silly, I will just put it in my jewelry box until we meet again.   So, I opened it up to see all sorts of "valuables" which I never wear, and probably never will.  I began picking through tarnished silver, gold that needed cleaning, broken chains and a few more items. The only things that really had value to me were the items which my husband had bought me.  They represent to me much sacrifice and love.  I reminded myself that I was, at that very moment, suppose to be getting back on track with my devotional life, and was wasting time.  Just when I was about to close my jewelry box, I noticed a necklace which I forgot I even had.  It had no sentimental meaning to me, but it did have a diamond the same size as the one in my ring.  I picked it up and heard God say, "this is your sacrificial ram, just as I provided for Abraham."  Now, I know that giving away a diamond doesn't even come close to sacrificing your own son.  I don't want to belittle Abraham's inconceivable conflict.  I would never compare the two to be equal, and I know God was not suggesting this either.    However, I was somehow comforted by the correlation of Abraham's story and my own.  I was grateful for God's love, understanding and faithfulness for myself as I struggled.  I asked him, are you sure?"  I questioned if I was hearing correctly because it seemed too easy.  He asked me, "would you still be willing to give up the ring?"  I said, "if you asked it of me, yes."  He answered, "give her the necklace."

I was delighted with this turn of events.  While I knew I could joyfully give the ring to my friend, it did sadden me that I was sacrificing something my grandmother specifically wanted me to have.  However, if God wants to bless someone through me, if he asks for my obedience, I don't ever want to say no.  The act of love is far more valuable than the object itself, and the possible negative repercussions.

I've already decided that I would like to keep the necklace after and give it to my daughter.  I don't think I will ever replace the diamond in the middle of the gold circle.  I think it will stand as a great reminder of how obedience and loving others can come at a cost, but it's worth it.  Just think about how much my friend will be reminded of God's love for her each time she looks at her ring.  What a better way to remember our heavenly bridegroom than looking at a wedding ring.  The idea of the empty gold circle also reminds me of a saying they have in my daughter's class this year: "Focus on the doughnut, not on the hole."  The symbol of this necklace will also be a good reminder for us to be grateful for what we do have, and to not focus on what we don't. 

In the beginning, as this story was playing out, I purposely did not share it.  I did not want the story to become about this good thing I was doing.  It is most definitely about how great a thing God is doing!  When the adventure took an "Abraham like twist", it became even more than that.   I felt I needed to share the story.  I want everyone to know this God who leads us and guides us;  to know this God who cares for us-whether we are a giver on his behalf, or a receiver of his blessings.  God wants us to listen for his guidance and instruction.  He wants us to walk with him daily.  He led me through this short journey and, in the end, I consider I am the one who has truly received the best gift.  Blessing my friend with a new diamond is a good feeling, but hearing from God and seeing him at work is a present I receive with the greatest joy.

I want to encourage you to listen for God's voice, to feel his heart.  He led me down this path when I hadn't even been searching for it, and he wants to lead you too.  Be open to follow him in obedience, as hard as it may be.  I believe, at the end, the reward will be far greater than the struggle you may face.  Be adventurous and take a moment to ask God, "what should we do today?"  There is no need to fear his answer.  He promises to walk along side you every step of the way.

Lost...and found!

For about two months I had been feeling worn out and just plain busy. While it's considered normal for most people (including myself), this time it was somehow different - but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. I wasn't unhappy or depressed, however, I did have a lack of desire to pray or do anything extra for anyone else. However, God (knowing me so intimately) knew exactly what was going on in my heart. AND He was gracious enough to name it for me.

The dream that lead to this revelation began with me working in a hair salon. I was doing some one’s colour. I washed it out but for some reason felt I needed to leave the shampoo on for a while. I thought I would take advantage of the time I had while I waited. I went to check up on my children who were in a daycare nearby. I ended up on a bit of a scenic route – walking past various stores, inside and outside.

The middle part of this dream is a little fuzzy, but at some point I picked up my youngest child. I headed back to work with him asleep in the baby carrier. I walked out the gate of a subway station, through one of those one way turn style gates. When I got outside, the fresh air felt great as did the sunshine. It was a beautiful day. A man passing by made a joyful, God related comment to me. I said, “yeah, yay Jesus," while circling my finger halfway in the air – as if to really say, “I don’t care”. The man looked at me, shocked.


Due to my lack of energy and enthusiasm, I almost skipped praying about this dream entirely. However, I chose to be faithful to my promise of approaching all my dreams as possible messages from God. So, I begrudgingly began to talk with Him about it. Right away I heard a message loud and clear. The last part of the dream really spoke to me. I believe what God was trying to show me was that I had lost my passion for Jesus. This is not to be mistaken with a loss of love for Christ - but the great joy and emotional high that comes from loving Him.

The dreamed paralleled well with real life. While I went through the motion of praising God, it was not with joy, excitement or enthusiasm. I remember reacting to the man's look of shock very defensively. I thought, “what? I have a sleeping baby – it’s not like I can jump around!” Praying about that moment, God immediately revealed how faulty my thinking was. I may not have been able to jump in circles, yell and shout, but I could certainly speak with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

I don't feel that God was showing me this to rebuke or reprimand me in anyway. That would not be in line with His loving and wooing nature. I believe He was graciously naming what I had been feeling, which made it more tangible to deal with. Though I did not stress about it, I began to wonder how I would find that passion again. Was there something I could do to get back on the road where I longed to be? I chose to look forward, instead of searching for the why and how of the circumstance. This is a lesson I learned long ago. While I know there is much value in knowing the path to not take, I have found myself stuck on that road before, trying to trace my steps backwards. So, I set my eyes on the goal and attempted to move toward it.

During these passionless months, I did not stop thinking about Christ, looking to Him or hearing from Him. I am grateful for that. One of the things I felt God was prompting me to do was write a letter to someone. Once again, due to the lack of passion, I put it off, again and again. Then one Sunday God grabbed my attention with a song, "The Wonderful Cross". In particular, these words:

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live

I realized that I needed to die to myself once again. Due to the state my heart had found itself in, I was focusing more on me than on Christ. I chose at that moment to shift my gaze back to Jesus - not just half way. That night I sat down, wrote that letter and sent it.

By the evening of the next day, I realized that I was feeling different. I didn't want to jump to any conclusions, but I found myself boldly speaking about God to a friend (which truly surprised me) and my desire for prayer had returned. I felt like staying up all night just to talk with God - about anything. After a week, I felt it was safe to declare that my passion had returned! What joy!

While I can speculate, I still do not know the exact reason for the loss of passion in my life. Perhaps God needed me to write that letter and I had to walk this path to get there. Or maybe the reason was as simple as allowing my gaze slip away from Christ. There is more to the dream that I have not been able to successfully pray through as of yet. I am, however, grateful and delighted that I am once again experiencing that joyous high that comes from loving Christ. I am also thankful that God still spoke to me throughout this small trial. It is so comforting to know that He is there, guiding and speaking to me even when I don't feel like listening. He doesn't give up on me but remains faithful and constant. Thanks God!

A Journey of Rewarding Obedience

I am so excited to finally have some time and energy to sit down and write again! I have spent much of the past 10 weeks extremely tired as I am pregnant. While I have a lot of catch up to do, this recent God experience was so wonderful, I just have to share it right away!

My week long journey began last Sunday. While I have been longing to re-connect with Jesus again and serve Him better, I knew that He was patiently waiting for me to come out of a season of fatigue and nausea. During the morning's sermon, however, my heart was touched to pray for this even more. Well, the next thing I know, right after our service, I am approached by my friend. She tells me she is going to sound rather kooky, but she is quite sure that God prompted her to give me what she is holding in an envelope (which is obviously money). Accepting this is a gift from God, with curiosity I thank her for her obedience and take it. I think to myself, "as soon as I see how much money is in the envelope, I will know why God has given this to me." As I have witnessed, God is so good at providing when we need it, not in advance but at the precise moment. This in mind, I opened the envelope to find $20. Not to be ungrateful, but I think, "I don't need $20 dollars!" I mean, who can't use an extra $20? However, it's not a mortgage payment, or the amount I would need to attend the ladies retreat, or anything else that I can think of. Why would God give me $20? So, after some conversation with Him, I come to the conclusion that the money is not for me. Perhaps I am going to be in a position to touch some one's life that my friend would not...and it must be before next Sunday, or she could have given it to me then (that second part was likely my logic more than God's). So, I place the money in a special envelope and into my wallet, pray that I will hear God's prompting well and carry it around with me all week. Everywhere I went I looked around and thought, "is that the person? is it that homeless man? is it that mother? will I see them today?" Friday came along and I still had the envelope. I wondered if I had missed my opportunity to bless some one or if my chance was still around the corner...and what God was up to! I told Him that He would eventually have to tell me what to do with this money, as I was not going to spend it on myself. Well, Saturday rolled around. My friend took my children with her for the day, which turned into the evening. Due to circumstances that just "happened so," I ended up going to run a few errands in the evening before going to pick up my children. I pulled up to the video store to return my movie. The parking spot I was originally going to take wasn't really accessible due to some people milling around, so I chose another....which just "happened" to be right in front of a very drunk man sitting on the sidewalk. I thought, "oh God, that's not they guy, is it?" As I opened the door to get out, I prepared myself to be open to a yes. However, as I stepped onto the sidewalk the man began to yell out some lovely profanities. While they were not directed at myself, or anyone for that matter, they were enough to make me hurry into the store. I prayed and said to God, "if that is the man you would like me to give this money to, you are going to have to open a door for me. I can try to love the unlovable, but I don't know how to approach the unapproachable." Wouldn't you know it, as I neared the vehicle again he greeted me kindly and asked if I had forty cents to spare. I chose to look through my wallet for some change. In all honesty, it wasn't to be kind, but so that I could have some time to assess the situation and leave God some time to speak to me. I approached the man and handed him what change I could find in my wallet. I noticed that not only was he so drunk that the whites of his eyes had been completely replace by red, but he had an unopened mickey of alcohol next to him. I began to wrestle with God again. I said, "there is no way this could be the man. I mean, if I give him this money he is just going to go buy himself more alcohol. That can't possibly be right!" So, after a little "small talk" I got into the vehicle. After another moment of prayer I was fairly certain this was, in fact, the man that was to receive this blessing. So, out I got again, armed with the envelope. I bent down and said, "this may sound odd to you, but last Sunday God gave this to me and I've been waiting for Him to tell me what I should do with it. I am pretty sure He wants you to have it." He lifts his head up, rolls his eyes and says, F*** God! I said, "would you like the money, sir?" He asked me, what is it? I answered, "it's $20." He tried to open it, but got frustrated and handed it back to me and so I opened it and passed him the bill. He held it in his hand and questioned if I was sure I wanted to give him this money. I responded with, "it's not my money, it's God's. He wants you to have it." I pleaded with him to buy some food with it, though I'd be surprised if any of it was spent on that purpose. As I stood up to leave, I said, "God bless you." After all the choice words I had already heard from him, and his original comment on God's blessing, I was surprised to hear him say, "God bless you too." Wow. That in itself spoke volumes to me of how powerful God's love can be!

What a gift I received from God this week. From a personal point of view, when I was given that $20 my eyes were opened to seek Him everywhere I went. I was in constant conversation with Him, looking for Him at all times, waiting for Him to guide me, waiting for Him to show me how to love His children. Now, that is a relationship I desire at all times! The second gift I received was to see God at work. I saw a man go from speaking ill of God to asking Him to bless me! That man received not only a blessing from God, and a sign that maybe there is a creator who loves him, but he also received a friend who prayed for him over and over. I don't know why God chose that man, or me, or what will come of the situation, but I know that it is in God's hands now. While it seemed strange to me to give a drunk man more money (and in hind sight I wondered if I should offer to buy him food instead - but, hey, I'm still new at this), God knows what He is doing. Even if that man did buy more alcohol, it doesn't mean he wasn't blessed. I know I am not responsible for the choices that man makes, but I am responsible for my obedience and faithfulness to God.

In this experience, I am also reminded that it is not up to me to judge people. I knew that, I know that, but it's amazing how judgment can sneak up on you. Had I not been waiting to bless some one with God's gift, I would have never given money to a drunk man. I mean, who wants to see "their money" spent on something like that. In my eyes, that man may not have deserved a gift - he'd probably be ungrateful, or even forget the whole thing. Through the eyes of Jesus, however, I was able to see the situation differently. Maybe he didn't deserve a blessing (do any of us?), but he needed one - and God loves us that much! I'm not saying that we need to give money to everyone who asks us, but that we should always be seeking God's guidance and not let our own preconceptions get in the way.

On a lighter note, I once again got a glimpse of God's great sense of humour. I have to tell you, money is very rarely an idol for me. I'd much rather go back to the ways of bartering and just helping each other out. However, for one week, money actually became a symbol of God for me! I took Him with me wherever I went and was just waiting to share Him with some one. I find that ironically funny. The second thing that made me laugh was that after the whole event with the drunk man on the sidewalk, I got back into the vehicle. I never listen to the country stations but my friend had it on in her car, and I hate to play with people's settings. After I finished praying for that man, I actually stopped to listen to the lyrics of the song that was playing: "God is great, beer is good, people are strange." That kept me giggling for the rest of the drive.

I would like to challenge you, as I challenge myself. $20 is all it took for me to step out in faith and keep my heart focused on where God wants me to walk. What would it take for you to be able to do that on a consistent basis? I began thinking about how great this was and how I would love to always have that open line between God and myself. To always be ready to follow the example of Jesus. I doubt that He will prompt some one to give me $20 every week, and so I know that I need to seek Him instead. My challenge to you is this: Take a moment in prayer. Ask God if there is some one who needs to feel His love through you. Maybe he will suggest you carry around an envelope of money to give to some one in need a blessing. Maybe He will suggest you bring a blanket with you one day, or a carton of milk, or even a kind word. Perhaps you don't need a physical reminder to keep your heart open to His voice. In life we often get so wrapped up in what we need to accomplish that we put the rest of the world aside. If we arm ourselves so that we are prepared to be obedient, before we even leave the house, then it will be easier to hear His voice when He does speak to us.