Obedience and Sacrifice

 It has been so long since I have posted on my blog.  I've been wanting to write so many things, but like the multitudes, I struggle to balance my life and long for an extra 4 hours in each day.  Yesterday, however, I experienced the climax of a story which I felt I needed to share.  So, this may be the blog which gets me blogging again!

Recently, a friend of mine was devastated to find out she lost the diamond on her wedding ring.  She is blessed to have a good marriage and loves to be reminded of this fact when she looks at her ring.  After thinking of all the places she could have lost it that day, she was not very hopeful she would ever find it.  About a week later, I spoke with her briefly.  She was very upset about some financial burdens and the missing diamond was still troubling her heart.  How could she replace it without the financial means?  I felt a deep stirring in my own heart.  I just knew how much this meant to her.  

After she had left, I looked down at the ring on my own finger.  Not my wedding ring, but that of my grandmother.  My knuckles have been slowly getting larger over the years and it was getting next to impossible to take it off.  I often thought about having it re-sized or putting it away for a while.  As I looked at the ring I heard, "store up your treasures in heaven."  I thought, I wonder if one of the diamonds on my ring would fit hers.  At first, I thought, "sure!  Why not?!"  And then as I pondered it longer I began to think about "why not."  There were several reasons why I shouldn't, but most of them came from an earthly perspective, and out of fear of what some would say.  I decided to think and pray on it for a while.

A few days later I was having coffee with this friend.  The thought was just burning inside me and I knew I had to offer.  I thought, maybe it won't even fit and that will be my answer, but I need to offer.  At first, she said she couldn't take it.  After I explained that I felt God was asking me to do this she accepted,as one of the diamonds looked to be the correct size.  Unfortunately, I had sprained the exact finger it was on a couple weeks before and, as it was still swollen, was unable to get it off. I promised, as soon as I could ease it off, I would get it to her and she could find a jeweler to work some magic.  For days I tried to get it off but I wasn't having much luck.  The problem was that the longer it stayed on my finger, the longer I had to think of why I shouldn't give it up.  I knew it was just a diamond.  I could make something wonderful from the rest of the ring.  I already had a plan to save the last two diamonds and gold for my daughter.  Finally, I just had to get it off.  So, with a bit of oil, and quite a bit of pain, I managed to free my finger from the bondage.  I placed the ring on another finger so that I would still have it on me, as part of me was slightly fearful that it might go missing somehow.  

Another couple days passed and I thought, this is silly, I will just put it in my jewelry box until we meet again.   So, I opened it up to see all sorts of "valuables" which I never wear, and probably never will.  I began picking through tarnished silver, gold that needed cleaning, broken chains and a few more items. The only things that really had value to me were the items which my husband had bought me.  They represent to me much sacrifice and love.  I reminded myself that I was, at that very moment, suppose to be getting back on track with my devotional life, and was wasting time.  Just when I was about to close my jewelry box, I noticed a necklace which I forgot I even had.  It had no sentimental meaning to me, but it did have a diamond the same size as the one in my ring.  I picked it up and heard God say, "this is your sacrificial ram, just as I provided for Abraham."  Now, I know that giving away a diamond doesn't even come close to sacrificing your own son.  I don't want to belittle Abraham's inconceivable conflict.  I would never compare the two to be equal, and I know God was not suggesting this either.    However, I was somehow comforted by the correlation of Abraham's story and my own.  I was grateful for God's love, understanding and faithfulness for myself as I struggled.  I asked him, are you sure?"  I questioned if I was hearing correctly because it seemed too easy.  He asked me, "would you still be willing to give up the ring?"  I said, "if you asked it of me, yes."  He answered, "give her the necklace."

I was delighted with this turn of events.  While I knew I could joyfully give the ring to my friend, it did sadden me that I was sacrificing something my grandmother specifically wanted me to have.  However, if God wants to bless someone through me, if he asks for my obedience, I don't ever want to say no.  The act of love is far more valuable than the object itself, and the possible negative repercussions.

I've already decided that I would like to keep the necklace after and give it to my daughter.  I don't think I will ever replace the diamond in the middle of the gold circle.  I think it will stand as a great reminder of how obedience and loving others can come at a cost, but it's worth it.  Just think about how much my friend will be reminded of God's love for her each time she looks at her ring.  What a better way to remember our heavenly bridegroom than looking at a wedding ring.  The idea of the empty gold circle also reminds me of a saying they have in my daughter's class this year: "Focus on the doughnut, not on the hole."  The symbol of this necklace will also be a good reminder for us to be grateful for what we do have, and to not focus on what we don't. 

In the beginning, as this story was playing out, I purposely did not share it.  I did not want the story to become about this good thing I was doing.  It is most definitely about how great a thing God is doing!  When the adventure took an "Abraham like twist", it became even more than that.   I felt I needed to share the story.  I want everyone to know this God who leads us and guides us;  to know this God who cares for us-whether we are a giver on his behalf, or a receiver of his blessings.  God wants us to listen for his guidance and instruction.  He wants us to walk with him daily.  He led me through this short journey and, in the end, I consider I am the one who has truly received the best gift.  Blessing my friend with a new diamond is a good feeling, but hearing from God and seeing him at work is a present I receive with the greatest joy.

I want to encourage you to listen for God's voice, to feel his heart.  He led me down this path when I hadn't even been searching for it, and he wants to lead you too.  Be open to follow him in obedience, as hard as it may be.  I believe, at the end, the reward will be far greater than the struggle you may face.  Be adventurous and take a moment to ask God, "what should we do today?"  There is no need to fear his answer.  He promises to walk along side you every step of the way.

Baptism, Obedience and a Love for God

A few weeks ago, after 5 years of God gently nudging me, I chose to be adult baptized.  I wanted to share the testimony I read that day.  It was a difficult task for me to write this.  In fact, if I am to be completely honest, I dug my heels in all the way.  It wasn't until I came to the closing lines of my testimony that I was actually excited about my baptism.  The process helped me see why I was taking this step and changed my perspective on the whole event.  I could have easily talked about the many things God has done for me and the details of how my relationship has deepened with Him over the years.  However, I felt that this testimony was meant to be about my obedience, the reason I was taking this step, not how I got here. Writing this testimony was a blessing to me.  I pray that it will be a blessing to others as well.

I was raised in Christian home, and I always considered myself a Christian.  However, looking at my faith now, I think differently.  I spent the first 20 years of my life riding along on my parent’s faith and beliefs.  And, while I understood there was a God, I certainly wasn’t living for Him.  A year or two after I was married, my husband and I agreed that we should attempt to find ourselves a home church. The idea may have spurred from a sense of tradition or the desire to have a Christian home for our own children one day, but at the root of it all, I believe it was God seeking us. 

Once we had made this decision, it was amazing that no matter where I was, physically or spiritually, God always seemed to put someone in my path to draw me closer to Him.  He always found some way to touch my heart and keep me searching for His – even if I didn’t realize it was Him.

It amazes me how, over the years, I have come to learn new truths.  There have also been lies revealed to me which I once believed.  It delights me how God took the foundation which my parents laid for me and built upon it; and it brings me joy that God has used me to support my parents on their journey of faith.  It makes me hopeful that my own kids will start out with an even better foundation than I did and have an even deeper love for our Father.

God calls each of us personally.  One day we have to stand up and choose what we believe and who we follow.  I couldn’t ride the coat tails of my parent’s ideas.  I had to seek Truth for myself.  

Though, I have always called myself a Christian, now I prefer the title of disciple.  Instead of just having faith that there is a God, I now have a relationship with him.  It is amazing how different this is from just believing the Bible is true.

I grew up in the United Church, and as is their tradition, was baptized as an infant.  I participated in a confirmation ceremony at 12 years old.  Even though I always considered my being confirmed as a declaration of my faith, for the past four or five years I have felt God nudging me to get baptized.   I figured I was covered and to be honest didn’t really want to take this step.  I didn’t feel it affected my relationship with God at all.  Since I chose to listen to the voice that gently persisted, I see things in a different light.

I am being baptized today, first and foremost, out of obedience to God.  He has called me to take this step.  God has been patient with me, while I spent so much time rationalizing away the idea.  Today, I am pushing past all the self-placed roadblocks, all the excuses, and I am being obedient to what God is asking me to do.  After all, if I love God as I say I do, and He has asked something of me, should I not be obedient to Him?  Not only that, but should I not do so joyfully?  It is not a chore, but a privilege to be able to stand up and say that God is my creator, my leader, my father, my friend.

I am also being baptized because I do not believe I was a true follower of Christ when I was confirmed. I want to stand up and proclaim that I am a child of God; that I desire to live for Him.  I don’t want to waste this life He has given me.  I want to make each day count, even if in some small way.

What it all comes down to is that I love God.  I want to continue to follow Him, to grow closer to Him.  I don’t have any expectations of how being baptized will affect my life or how it will change me.  The only thing I do long for is that my relationship with my heavenly Father will continue to deepen, that I will love Him more each and every day, and that my small role on this earth will bring Him glory and honour.

Another Lesson in Patience

Recently God has been reminding me of how patient He is...and how patient I am not.  Now, by earthly standards, I've been told I am very patient.  However, from God's view, I still need some work.  He has also been reminding me of how He answers prayer, and follows through on His promises.

I have been leading a study group for over three years now.  Before I dove into the challenge, I spent some time praying about what the group would look like, what our focus would be.  I felt God leading us in the direction of His love.  We were to learn about it, accept it, then share and spread that love.  When no one seemed to be signing up to come, except one marginally obligated friend, I was disappointed and began to question if it had been God I was hearing. Then He graciously gave me a dream about the group.  I was leading the study. Every time I looked up from what I was reading there were more and more people in my kitchen.  It got to the point where I began to worry there wasn't enough room or food for everyone.  When I woke, I was pretty sure God was confirming that this was the path I was to take and that He would grow the group.  Soon, I would be amazed at how many people were attending. 

A few hours before our first meeting was to be held, I received a phone call from another friend.  Although she thought she was calling to check in on me, it turned out that God had wanted her to join the group.  And so, there were three members.  The next meeting we were up to four people.  I was excited to see the word God gave me coming to fruition.  But the numbers stopped growing and I didn't have to refurnish my home to fit a huge crowd.  I continued to lead without worry - God would bring  those who needed to be there.  We dove into a book.  I figured by the end of our first year together we would be sharing God's love with others and spreading it around like wildfire.  Apparently that wasn't exactly God's plan.  While I am sure, individually, we often projected His love to others, as a group we didn't really reach that stage until the end our our third year together.  It was amazing how it just seemed to happen, how one person's heart infected the rest of ours.  Everything just fell into place and we began organizing ladies events for the women of our community.  I laugh now when I think back to that first year.  Seeing things in hindsight, I know we would have never been ready to take these steps after a year, not even two.  God invested three years in us and patiently waited for each of us to grow and be ready.

The other thing that happened was our group did grow.  We now have six official members, but there is more to our numbers than our bi-weekly meetings.  We had so many volunteers come to help us out with our last event, it was amazing!  And at the end of the afternoon we even had attendees asking if they could help out at the next event!  So, while I may not have an overflow of people in my house, God has increased our numbers - just not the way I had expected, and not as quickly as I had anticipated.

I am so glad that God is more patient than I am.  I'm pretty sure my group members are too!  I still struggle with my need to hurry things along, but I can rest in the knowledge that He is always at work.  I am trying to let go of my own expectations and be confident in the promise that God always comes through.  I am attempting to become more patient, remembering that His vantage point is far better than my own, and His timing is perfect.

Doors and Flimsy Gates

God is so good.  So faithful.  And, unlike me, He doesn't waste time! After committing, just yesterday, to renewing my relationship with Jesus, I received a fantastic dream with multiple messages. 

As I laid in bed trying to soak up the details of my dream, while it was still fresh, I could vividly recall the event of a rescue.  I was in a building but turned to look out across a vast landscape.  Very far away, I could see a person who appeared to be drowning.  They were stuck in a cave like crevice and the waves kept washing over them.  I immediately knew I had to go help them.  I rushed there as fast as I could.  Along the way I saw another person heading in that direction, and another, and another.  By the time I reached the drowning victim, there must have been about 15 people there to help.  At first I thought, "wow, how many people does it take to help one person?"  It soon became clear that no ONE person could provide rescue on their own.  The circumstances were such that we had to make a human chain in order to pull this individual out of the water.  Upon realizing this, I said to the person, "wow, look at how many people God sent to help you.  He really loves you!"

I walked through this dream a few times and heard some great messages.  First of all, God sees us when we are "drowning",  when we are suffering and in need of help.  Not only that, but God sends us exactly what we need, and He knows what we need.  He didn't send one person, see that the task needed more and then call for back up.  I may have questioned why there were so many people there, but obviously I do not have God's vantage point and knowledge.  And although it's a familiar message, I love the reminder that together we can succeed where we may fail on our own.

Just as I was smiling at all the wonderful things God had shown me, I felt a nudge to take a look at the dream again.  I was missing something. I heard Him say, "where did it start?"  That's when I saw the more personal aspect of the message.  Before I saw the person in need, I had been busy trying to bar off a room in which a meeting was being held.  Instead of just closing a door, I believe I was using pool noodles (of all things) to create a fence like closure to the room.  The people having the meeting were those that lead worship at our church.  One of them came up to me and kindly asked me to stop doing what I was doing as it was distracting.

Now, I will have to provide a little bit of background for this to make any sense.  For the past four years or so I have been blessed to play a leadership role on our worship team.  However, this spring I felt the need to step down from that role.  There were many reasons, the biggest one being that my children needed more of me.  I have been struggling for the past month or so with the idea of returning to the team.  Should I?  Do I want to?  Or more importantly, does God want me to?  I could get distracted with a rather long tangent here, so I will just say that this has been a really big battle in my heart.  I've been trying to decipher between desires for myself and God's desires for me.

Through much thought and prayer I was almost ready to conclude that it is not time for me to step back into that role.  However, even writing that is tough for me.  It is something I love to do.  By admitting this truth, it feels like I am closing a door when I'd rather keep it propped open for easy access.  This dream, however, pretty much concluded what I had been hesitant to accept.  God was showing me the flimsy gate which I had erected.  A pool noodle creates a boundary, but not a very good one.  However, as always, God is full of grace.  He may have said no to me, but He also gave me a great vision of why not.  Through the worship leaders reaction, He showed me that I am being distracted by this proverbial door.  That it is keeping me from seeing where I am needed.  The moment I took my eyes off the door and looked out across the horizon I saw where I needed to be.  I also feel that God was showing me a picture of what lay ahead for me.  I don't know for certain if my objective is to rescue people per say, but I do know what He has planned for me is something that will excite me and bring much joy.  In the dream I can recall feeling passionate and thrilled to be helping some one and catching a glimpse of God.  The other thing that brings me joy is that picture of working together.  As I look at the dream from a more personal viewpoint, it's comforting to know that when I can't do something alone, God will send friends to help me succeed.

So, it's official.  I am replacing my pool noodle gate with a real door.  If God wants me to walk through it again one day, He will open it.  I likely would have made this decision before the dream, but now I can do it with joy.  I have been reassured that the things God has planned for me will be far more rewarding to my heart, and presumably to those around me as well.  It's much easier to make a tough decision with the right perspective. Thanks God!

A Time Of Renewal

Autumn is my favourite season.  Beautiful colour changes, cozy sweaters, walks through fallen leaves, the lack of mosquitoes-these are all attributes I appreciate this time of year.  And while the earth itself begins to hibernate for a time, I find it to be a season of great renewal for my soul.  Every summer I say that I will stay connected with Jesus, I will pick up my Bible daily, I will pray often.  I always predict that I will have so much free time to do all these things and more.  Yet, every summer, I fail to do so.  This year was no different.  While I have not left Jesus' side, nor has He left mine, it seems like ages since we had a real conversation.  I equate it to an evening at the movies.  It's really nice to sit close to your date and feel comforted that you are not alone in the theatre, but it's not a very good relationship building activity.

Typically, as August nears it's end, I'm filled with anticipation for the renewal of that close-knit relationship with Christ.  This year has been different though, as the desire came a lot earlier than usual.  For the past few weeks the weather has been hot and sunny.  I feel I should be on the beach enjoying what little warmth we have left.  My mindset, however, is of cozy sweaters, a cup of hot chocolate and some God-centered literature.

The other night I was chatting with Jesus and telling Him how excited I was to feel connected with Him again.  Great anticipation overwhelmed me, thinking of how good it is when my heart is so closely linked with Christ's.  It was at that moment I received a picture.  I was brought back to a memory of my first boyfriend.  It was movie night at our school and we were sitting side by side in the gym.  I couldn't tell you what movies we watched that day, but I clearly remember the anticipation I felt the entire time, just waiting for him to hold my hand.  Finally, as we reached the last ten minutes of the second movie, he took hold, and I was overjoyed.  I smiled at the memory and knew right away what God was trying to say to me.  The anticipation of a good thing is sweet, but the action is even sweeter.  I knew He was suggesting that I should just grab His hand now instead of waiting.  After all, wouldn't it be better to enjoy the "hand holding" right away?  Why wait?

So, on that note, here I go...

It may be a little premature to bundle up in my wool sweaters, but I'm going for a walk.  I'm leaving the movie theatre, grabbing hold of Jesus' hand and we're going to spend time sharing our hearts with each other.  I don't have an inkling of what our time together will look like yet, I will let Him be the guide, but I know it will be so sweet and worth the time I give Him.  I want to encourage you to do the same.  Don't just wait for that moment when it all seems to fall into place, when the time finally seems just right.  Wouldn't it be better to be there now?

Lost...and found!

For about two months I had been feeling worn out and just plain busy. While it's considered normal for most people (including myself), this time it was somehow different - but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. I wasn't unhappy or depressed, however, I did have a lack of desire to pray or do anything extra for anyone else. However, God (knowing me so intimately) knew exactly what was going on in my heart. AND He was gracious enough to name it for me.

The dream that lead to this revelation began with me working in a hair salon. I was doing some one’s colour. I washed it out but for some reason felt I needed to leave the shampoo on for a while. I thought I would take advantage of the time I had while I waited. I went to check up on my children who were in a daycare nearby. I ended up on a bit of a scenic route – walking past various stores, inside and outside.

The middle part of this dream is a little fuzzy, but at some point I picked up my youngest child. I headed back to work with him asleep in the baby carrier. I walked out the gate of a subway station, through one of those one way turn style gates. When I got outside, the fresh air felt great as did the sunshine. It was a beautiful day. A man passing by made a joyful, God related comment to me. I said, “yeah, yay Jesus," while circling my finger halfway in the air – as if to really say, “I don’t care”. The man looked at me, shocked.


Due to my lack of energy and enthusiasm, I almost skipped praying about this dream entirely. However, I chose to be faithful to my promise of approaching all my dreams as possible messages from God. So, I begrudgingly began to talk with Him about it. Right away I heard a message loud and clear. The last part of the dream really spoke to me. I believe what God was trying to show me was that I had lost my passion for Jesus. This is not to be mistaken with a loss of love for Christ - but the great joy and emotional high that comes from loving Him.

The dreamed paralleled well with real life. While I went through the motion of praising God, it was not with joy, excitement or enthusiasm. I remember reacting to the man's look of shock very defensively. I thought, “what? I have a sleeping baby – it’s not like I can jump around!” Praying about that moment, God immediately revealed how faulty my thinking was. I may not have been able to jump in circles, yell and shout, but I could certainly speak with a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

I don't feel that God was showing me this to rebuke or reprimand me in anyway. That would not be in line with His loving and wooing nature. I believe He was graciously naming what I had been feeling, which made it more tangible to deal with. Though I did not stress about it, I began to wonder how I would find that passion again. Was there something I could do to get back on the road where I longed to be? I chose to look forward, instead of searching for the why and how of the circumstance. This is a lesson I learned long ago. While I know there is much value in knowing the path to not take, I have found myself stuck on that road before, trying to trace my steps backwards. So, I set my eyes on the goal and attempted to move toward it.

During these passionless months, I did not stop thinking about Christ, looking to Him or hearing from Him. I am grateful for that. One of the things I felt God was prompting me to do was write a letter to someone. Once again, due to the lack of passion, I put it off, again and again. Then one Sunday God grabbed my attention with a song, "The Wonderful Cross". In particular, these words:

O the wonderful cross, O the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live

I realized that I needed to die to myself once again. Due to the state my heart had found itself in, I was focusing more on me than on Christ. I chose at that moment to shift my gaze back to Jesus - not just half way. That night I sat down, wrote that letter and sent it.

By the evening of the next day, I realized that I was feeling different. I didn't want to jump to any conclusions, but I found myself boldly speaking about God to a friend (which truly surprised me) and my desire for prayer had returned. I felt like staying up all night just to talk with God - about anything. After a week, I felt it was safe to declare that my passion had returned! What joy!

While I can speculate, I still do not know the exact reason for the loss of passion in my life. Perhaps God needed me to write that letter and I had to walk this path to get there. Or maybe the reason was as simple as allowing my gaze slip away from Christ. There is more to the dream that I have not been able to successfully pray through as of yet. I am, however, grateful and delighted that I am once again experiencing that joyous high that comes from loving Christ. I am also thankful that God still spoke to me throughout this small trial. It is so comforting to know that He is there, guiding and speaking to me even when I don't feel like listening. He doesn't give up on me but remains faithful and constant. Thanks God!

Hope, Confidence and Excitement

Last week I had a wonderful dream. However, before I prayed about the meaning, it didn't seem so wonderful! Though it was a short vision, it spoke much to me.

The main character in this dream was James. He was telling me about his marriage and how it wasn't going well. He and his wife were even talking about divorce. I was shocked. I hadn't seen it coming at all. As he continued to talk, it was revealed to me that he was actually possessed by a demon. As quickly as the discovery was made, I began to call out the demon in Jesus' name. It didn't take long before I saw this demon leave James, but it did take conviction and confidence on my part. There was a visible change in his face and I knew that the problem had been solved.

When I woke from this dream I was taken aback. I thought about it all day but was having a hard time understanding the message. James is some one I care for very much. He also does not yet consider Jesus a friend. I questioned what I was suppose to do with this dream. Was I suppose to ask James about his marriage? It didn't seem to be under any unusual stress to me. Should I tell him I had a dream? If I mentioned God in any way, I wanted to be on the right track, lest I cause him to stumble further away from the love of our saviour. I mulled and prayed over this dream for days.

I believe it was on day four I received some clarification in which I felt confident. I felt God saying that the picture of marriage was not that of "man and wife", but of "man and Jesus". Then when I asked about the demon, He said that it was a representation of Satan. It was (and is) James' heavenly marriage that is in trouble, not his earthly one. Satan has some how deceived him, thus the demon possession.

I was delighted to finally have some light shed on this puzzling dream, but there was more to be revealed. Why had God sent me this message? What was I to do with it? I had to ask the question, "so what"? I believe that God is asking me to pray for James. Now, I have often prayed for him, but I have also often questioned what good it will do. I must admit that my faith is somewhat lacking in this circumstance. How can my prayers help some one who has trouble seeing with the eyes of his heart? Well, the more I thought about this dream, the more awestruck I was. God asked me to pray for James. That means that He loves this man, is seeking this man, is desiring for this man to love Him back. God asked me to join him in wooing James to Himself. As a result, God also spoke hope into my heart for this man. So, I have committed to praying for James, believing that it is in fact God's plan for my prayers to be successful. However, God has also shown me something else. That He wants me to pray with the confidence and conviction I had when I cast out the demon in that dream.

In the past, when I prayed for James, a bit of hopelessness always seemed to sneak into my heart. Since the revelation of this dream the attitude of my prayers have changed. Now when I pray for this man who is dear to me, I feel great hope and excitement. I think of the day that he learns how much Jesus loves him and how wonderful it will be. I don't know when that day will come, but I feel confident it will happen. God can make it happen, and it seems pretty obvious to me that He wants it to happen.